DraftKings NFL: Week 8 Declarations

When playing DraftKings NFL grand prize pools you win, or you die. Okay. So that was a cheap excuse to mention Game of Thrones latest news that Kit Harrington was moved to tears while going through a reading of the final material, which, in turn, moved me to tears knowing the final season isn’t returning until 2019! 2019!? At this rate, will we even get to 2019? And if so, will it be a post-apocalyptic setting where there is no television? As I began googling to see if there was an active petition demanding GoT returns next summer, my tears turned to joy when I discovered Harrington’s engagement to on-screen lover Rose Leslie! This has to be the most exciting on-screen romance–turned real life news since my personal hero Dylan McKay was rumored to be dating Kelly Taylor! Still, the engagement news doesn’t make up for this maddening layoff until summer of 2019. Until then, we’ll have to create our own fantasy narrative through week eight’s millionaire contest on DraftKings. Approaching the midway point of the season, week eight isn’t short on wild story lines of it’s own including the retrieval of a stolen bike, the next step of machine’s inevitable enslavement of mankind, and Taco Bell introducing us to one of the four horseman of the apocalypse. Seriously, if that link about transitioning control of stock market investment management to robots raises an eyebrow, then this has to scare the shit out you…

Week 7 Recap

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Before Sophia and friends destroy us, let’s take a look at last week’s results. The tasty running back combo of Zeke Elliott and LeSean McCoy were enough to place in DK’s large grand prize pools, but misses on T.Y., Demaryius Thomas, and Larry Fitzgerald negated any exciting high place finishes stopping me from furnishing my letter of resignation Monday morning this week. The good news is I won back enough to fund NBA DFS for the week! When I ponder what I would do if I took down the one million dollar top prize I think I’d probably just be going to work the next day because it really isn’t that much money. Don’t get me wrong. It’s absolutely a life changing amount, but not the “fuck this shit” kind of money where anyone could just bounce on working for the rest of their life. Really, the first thing I’d do is settle up with my Mom who is convinced she’ll wind up as the bread stick lady at Fazoli’s because of all the action figures I forced her to buy for me growing up. I’d take care of my Dad too, but he’d refuse and insist on slinging the bread sticks.



Projected Running Back Filet Lineup

Similar to Sophia above, I have my own plan for global domination and it starts with the tender cuts of Zeke and LeSean again this week in my filet lineup. For the third straight week I’m taking fellow piggy Kyle Robert’s quarterback streaming advice (McCown and T-Mobile suggestions the last two weeks have worked nicely) and firing the Red Rifle with major double up potential to A.J. Green and Tyler Croft against a Colts secondary ranking last in yards allowed per pass attempt, and second-to-last in pass yards allowed per game. My suggestion of Bills tight end Nick O’Leary last weekend caught passes of 26 and 32 yards filling in for the injured Charles Clay. A breakout performance from him this weekend is just the right seasoning to push this lineup into high place finishes with the second year, former Florida State Seminole being assured a low ownership percentage. I’ll finish this dish off with a buttery Redskin wideout combination going against a Dallas defense that Captain Kirk threw for 364, and 449 yards in their two contests last season which also projects to be the highest scoring game this week.

Position Player Salary
QB Andy Dalton  $      5,700
RB Ezekiel Elliott  $      9,200
RB LeSean McCoy  $      8,700
WR Josh Doctson  $      3,900
WR Jamison Crowder  $      4,300
WR A. J. Green  $      8,600
TE Nick O’Leary  $      3,100
FLEX Tyler Croft  $      3,000
DST Saints  $      3,400
Victory filet from Saturday night as I celebrated my Penn State win in the 3rd quarter...

Victory filet from Saturday night as I celebrated my Penn State win in the 3rd quarter…

Projected Roast Chicken Lineup

My other plan, before the machines take over, is to take a more liberal approach with the budget, yet maintain the abundant upside the higher priced talent offers. The feature course in my roast chicken lineup is a mini Panthers stack matched up with arguably the most susceptible defense in the National Football League (couldn’t help myself) right now. It’s also notable to consider the last time Cam acted like a jackass during the week he carved the Lions that Sunday for 355 yards and three scores. Real talk for a minute: is Cam’s behavior dumb? Yes. But can we stop being surprised by it? These guys aren’t exactly rhodes scholars. Generally, they’re young adults who have been told how great they are by complicit adults their whole lives because they’re good at a sport. Wouldn’t we all be a little more dickish if everyone around us overlooked dumb shit we said or did our entire lives in the name of sports? I know I would. Anyway, Lamar Miller should see plenty of touches against a Seattle defense that isn’t great against the run allowing nearly five yards per carry this season. And, guys like Keenan Allen and Alshon Jeffery appear to be in great spots for random blow up weeks, right? As always don’t forget, practice safe DFS sex by using a Pats stack for protection when getting after it on Sundays in case TB12 and company repeatedly show the Chargers their O-face like they’re capable of doing in any week.

Position Player Salary
QB Cam Newton  $      6,600
RB Christian McCaffrey  $      6,200
RB Lamar Miller  $      5,200
WR Keenan Allen  $      7,300
WR Josh Doctson  $      3,900
WR Devin Funchess  $      5,900
TE Hunter Henry  $      4,800
FLEX Alshon Jeffery  $      6,700
DST Saints  $      3,400
When Jonathan Stewart scores two rushing TDs Sunday...

When Jonathan Stewart scores two rushing TDs Sunday…

Week 8 Picks

19-16-1 through last week where I included my bonus #freemoney college pick of Penn State over Michigan to which I say splendid doctor… This week’s board has some heavy favorites that are just begging to be one leg in America’s favorite three team teaser of the week. Let’s see… Saints +1 at home against Chicago, Philly -2.5 at home against the 49ers, and the Ginger -0.5 at home against the Colts–is that something you might be interested in? Obviously, one of these teams has to lose now. I’d say the most likely candidate would be Cincy so they’ll probably win 38-10, and San Francisco will score a garbage touchdown trailing by nine with 15 seconds remaining while Vegas sports books rejoice everywhere. If that actually does happen, I’m ready for the machines to take over…

  1. Panthers +2: After scoring the Bears touchdowns for them and losing a game to a guy that completed four passes last week, I like a bounce back week for Carolina. The Panthers are 3-2 in Cam Newton’s five career starts at Tampa with an average margin being 17 points in those wins. Also, they should be getting their best defensive player back Sunday.
  2. Texans +5.5: Even after reading fellow piggy Tom Carson’s write-up on the criminal acts Seattle’s defense has performed on rookie quarterbacks, my man love for Watson is too much to ignore. Defenses will learn tendencies eventually leveling off his play, but I’ll keep riding this train a little longer until they do–all aboard!
  3. Jets +4.5: I really don’t know who should be favored in this game. Atlanta is a Mike Glennon-less Bear team, and an overturned touchdown (I still can’t see where he was touched after being down) away from being 1-5! The Jets were on their way to 4-3 leading Cutty and the Dolphins 28-14 heading into the fourth quarter until Miami unleashed their secret weapon–backup QB Matt Moore! Of course, he immediately improved the offense hitting Kenny Stills for a 28 yard score that started the 17 point comeback win moving the Jets to last place in the AFC East just two weeks after their battle for first place with the Pats. Man, I can barely make any sense of this league! This line could be Jets -2.5 and I don’t think I’d flinch. Now would probably be a good time to stop gambling…
  4. Bear +9: Are the Bears actually decent? They certainly are against that number at 5-2 on the season including a smooth 3-0 in the Mitchy era.
  5. Bills -2.5: My Dad’s name is Bill.

Good Luck in week 8! Don’t forget to comment, share, and follow me on twitter @realBobbyAdcock.

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