Join me this week swiping in San Antonio! It’s my weekly space where I critique PGA professionals through their very own fake dating profiles. This week, we get to explore the scene in San Antonio. As the seventh highest populated city in the US, quantity will not be the issue here. Wading through all the extra catfishes and dated pics is sure to be high risk and exhausting though. Well, let’s get to it.
As always, all dating profiles are constructed through real profiles from my personal online dating hell experiences. Except for the parts that I completely make up. Enjoy!
Jordan, 28
Love this time of year! Especially next week 😉 My therapist says I need friends that I don’t fuck. No, I don’t have kids that are my world. If you indicate that you are a parent b/c you have a “fur baby”, or feel compelled to let people know what you would do during a zombie apocalypse on your profile, I’d be willing to meet you in person just to go full WILL SMITH on you. Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
What a romantic. Must be because this tournament marks the one year anniversary of the Texas native’s last win. Spieth has been decent in 2022 staying for the weekend in three of five traditional format events. I think he’ll be fine this week at a familiar venue in a shallow field. However, his upside hasn’t been consistent enough for me to pay his heavy DFS price in San Antonio. Left in daily. Right on first round leader 25/1. Also, right next week at Augusta where he already is priced at a slight discount on DraftKings.
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Deki, 30
Vaxxed? Boosted? Who gives a fuck?! Here for appetizers and orgasms. HMU!
The 2021 Masters champion has been on a roll since his first major win. In his 10 starts for the 2022 season, the Japan native has notched six top-25s, two wins, and hasn’t missed a weekend. Outside of putting, Matsuyama remains his elite self ranking 9th in strokes gained: tee-to-green, and 15th in birdie average. That’s the type of profile you dream of matching with when playing this game. Besides, apps and orgasms are always an essential ingredient to any healthy relationship. Strong right for Hideki across any format this week and next.
Bryson, 28
Self absorbed and indulgent. Insufferable, obnoxious super douche. Kinda slutty. What are your best traits? Work hard play soft. Bigger guy looking for even bigger love 🙂 At the end of the day, it’s the end of the day…
Okay so I obviously made up this profile to poke fun at everyone’s favorite golfer to poke fun at. Except for the last sentence. Yes, that’s a real Bryson quote. This guy… LEFT.
Anthony, 32
I’m tall so you know the kids will be D1. Just psycho enough that the sex is great but you can introduce me to your family and friends without concern. Been crushing it lately at work. Trumpers and anit-vaxers don’t bother. ACAB
You know it’s 2022 when chicks are throwing in anti police acronyms into their dating profiles! Yes, I seriously see that on a regular basis. Buckle up hell, we’re on our way in a hand basket! Anyway, I would hardly call three missed cuts in your previous four starts “crushing it”. What’s that? You mean that people can be misleading on dating app profiles? Unfortunately yes. Almost always actually. At a fairly stiff DFS price, Anthony can be set aside for cheaper options with better form heading into this week. It’s gonna be a left for me dawg.
Matt, 43
I’m on the right. Not exactly where I wanted to be at this point in my life, but it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. Pizza is my second favorite thing to eat in bed. Ideal Saturday night is true crime docs, wine, and forehead kisses. Looking for love, or just someone to pin me up against a wall. Not picky…
Koooooooooch! Is his T-16 finish a couple of weeks ago a sign of breaking out of a little 2022 funk? Who knows. But, I have to think that Kuchar has at least one more Tour Championship season in him before joining the senior Tour. Sure, it seems like 100 years ago, but pre-pandemic, he finished the 2019 season as a top-25 player in the world and ranked 16th in Fed Ex standings. With a TPC San Antonio history that includes a prefect 9/9 weekends made, six top-25s, and two top-10s you could do a lot worse at his market rates this week. And, we all know forehead kisses on Saturday nights constitutes an auto right anyway. Right in DFS and why not throw a few shekels at 75/1 outright.
CORE DFS PICKS
Each week, I identify 3-4 players that I want to build around in my DK lineups. These selections are players that I believe have top-25 floors with top 10 upside, and a reasonable case to win. They will be used in all my lineups. This week’s selections:
- Keegan Bradley
- Luke List
- Russell Knox
- Chris Kirk
I was a tad better for the Valspar with 3/4 getting to Saturday and one T-5 finish. Now we need weekend hotel reservations for everyone with a winner in the core.
DFS LONGSHOTS
For longshots, I’ll continue to ride the sharp tee-to-green games of rookies Hayden Buckley and Austin Smotherman throughout the season. More veteran options that I have my eye on this week are Kevin Chappell and Tyler Duncan. Chappell has a solid track record here, and is coming off a T-15 in his last start. Duncan ranks out very well in tee-to-green stats for the season and is looking to make his fourth consecutive weekend.
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STRAIGHT BET CARD
- Keegan outright 30/1
- List outright 60/1
- Hideki outright 14/1
- Kuchar outright 75/1
- Spieth FRL 25/1
No winners from my first two posts. I must be due, right?
Good luck in San Antonio! Follow me on twitter @realBobbyAdcock compliments and insults are always welcomed.
