Good afternoon! It’s time to get down on some DFS golf gambling the only way anyone living in a modern sophisticated society would–through online dating profiles! Starting this week through the Open Championship, I’ll be swiping on five dating profiles per week for some of the best PGA professionals, offering up my core DFS picks, and favorite straight bets.
As always, all dating profiles are constructed through real profiles from my personal online dating hell experiences. Except for the parts that I completely make up. Enjoy!
Jon, 27
Equal parts sassy and smart-assy, but I have a soft side for dogs. In my free time I like to keep busy with hiking, cooking, smoking meats, golfing, lifting, reading, adventure planning, but definitely sprinkle in some naps. If you like pineapple on pizza, swipe left. My worst fear is marrying into a family that runs marathon together. Not here for hookups.
Based on attire choices alone Jon is not quite my tempo. But, when you’re the world’s No. 1 player you can afford to lack style and be picky about pizza toppings. The best players are usually good for 1-3 wins per season. Rahm has been in the mix a lot in 2022, but has yet to add to his ever growing trophy case. He’d be a shrewd fade in DFS if he happened to miss the weekend, but I won’t be the one to make that call. Jon is a right this week with his next win right around the corner.
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Rory, 32
Looking for a workout buddy and someone who can keep up with me! Introverted extravert. Love movie nights at home but enjoy being out too. 5″10′, 3″10′ if you chop my legs off at the knees. Just trying to live and love like Jesus. Looking for someone interested in the same. Never married no kids.
The gym pic and these musings are that of a pretty basic bitch. All that’s missing is a mention of loving dogs plus sushi and Rors would match about 80% of every profile out there. And for his going rates, I need to feel like there is potential for something unique and special. Last weekend’s performance at the API has me questioning if that connection could be here. That is gonna make Rory and unfortunate left for TPC Sawgrass.
Collin, 25
I’m probably too much for you and that’s okay. Ask if you want to know. If you send me an unsolicited dick pic I’ll send it to your whole family.
That last comment would suggest that you do in fact solicit them sometimes? Well, that’s a right if I’ve ever seen one! The fantastically high floor Morikawa has displayed in big events so early on in his career makes him worth the gamble in any fantasy/gambling endeavor this week. This might even warrant a super like.
Justin, 28 he/him
I am a submissive person and can be shy at first. Normally a brunette but dyed my hair black recently with teal underneath. I love being random and spontaneous. Polyamorous pansexual open to being part of a throuple. Vaxxed and waxed. If you’re not swipe left.
Another fascinating part of dating apps these days is having to google terms of what people are describing themselves as to even know what the fuck they are talking about. Also, knowing that romantic interests are absolutely being determined according to one’s vaccination status might be the most 2022 thing ever. I can’t speak for how girls judge profiles. But, for 93.84% of guys I can say for certain we’re mostly concerned with one thing: are you hot. And in terms of this week’s options, the defending PLAYERS Champion definitely is. Right. For. Days!
Dustin, 37
In town for the weekend. Let’s grab a drink and see where it goes. Not vaxxed and don’t plan on it. 100% here for hookups.
Okay I made that last part up, but I know in my heart DJ would be down for whatever. Historically, I’ve always pointed out my preference in super deep fields is to lay off five figure prices in DFS formats. Unless you absolutely think someone like Rahm will win, I would argue that DJ’s floor/upside on paper heading into any tournament is relatively similar. By that logic, I would opt for him at the much cheaper price.
That said, recent form is giving me reluctance. Especially after a missed weekend at Riviera CC; a place that usually brings out the best from DJ. Even though “100% here for hookups” generally prompts an auto-right, I’m going to swipe left on DJ for DFS purposes. The straight betting market is more appropriate for him this week.
CORE DFS PICKS
Each week, I identify 3-4 players that I want to build around in my DK lineups. These selections are players that I believe have top-25 floors with top 10 upside, and a reasonable case to win. They will be used in all my lineups. This week’s selections:
- Patrick Cantlay
- Louis Oosthuizen
- Daniel Berger
- Matt Fitzpatrick
I’ve managed roughly a 70% cut rate with my core picks over the last three seasons. That’s if you even care. My family is proud of me though.
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DFS LONGSHOTS
I tend to fall back on solid ball strikers when I’m searching for value. Tour newcomer Hayden Buckley and grizzled veteran Lucas Glover currently rank 16th and 9th, respectively. They are my deep cuts I’ll be using this week for any high risk/reward lineups.
STRAIGHT BET CARD
- Cantlay to win 20/1
- DJ to win 35/1
- Louis Oos to win 55/1
- Kokrak to win 90/1
- Brooksy FRL 55/1
- Hatton FRL 65/1
- Burns FRL 65/1
Good luck at TPC Sawgrass! Follow me on twitter @realBobbyAdcock compliments and insults are always welcomed.
