Browns decide not to hire head coach
After not having a winning season in 12 years, the Cleveland Browns decided not to hire a head coach. There were rumors about Greg Williams and Al Saunders, but on Sunday there will be no head coach.
We spoke to owner Jimmy Haslam about it:
“Honestly, head coaches are overrated. I mean where has it gotten us?! Plus no one actually wants to work for us right now. I’m an oil guy, not a football guy anyways. So why not just let the players run the show. They know what they need to do. What’s the risk? It can’t get much worse.”
Bob Wylie refused comments.
Patriots plan to play Pat the Patriot in next game against Bills
After the Patriots beat the Bills on Monday night, Bill Belichick decided they are going to only play their 3rd stringers or players they can find off the street in their next matchup on December 23rd. Bill in his postgame speech said:
“I’m not risking injury to Tom or any of other guys next time we play them. I’m not even risking our 2nd string guys. In fact, I’m thinking about pulling people out of the Foxboro flag football league to play in the game. Maybe even Pat the Patriot. They are just too awful. Wouldn’t risk putting Tommy’s buttocks out there“
The entire Oakland Raiders team retires
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie decided to retire from football on Tuesday. In a surprise decision, the rest of the Raiders decided to follow suit and retired as well. We spoke with Derek Carr
“When DRC retired, I looked in the mirror and said, my face it too pretty to risk getting it messed up in meaningless football games. The team is moving out of Oakland, they are trading everyone, and the owners don’t care if we win. So why should I? I’ve already made millions. So I asked myself, do I get into 10 car accidents a game or sit on a beach somewhere as bikini-clad women fill out my mojito glass. I’ll choose the latter.“
Marshawn Lynch said:
“Man, I was already retired after week 5. I got my Skittles and I’m good to go.“
(This is strictly a satirical article and not intended for distribution. The quotes are fake and no communication with the players, coaches, owners, their representatives, or anyone else mentioned in the article actually occurred.)