Major League Baseball: National League All-Hottie Team 2014

major league baseball

Will I make out with you? Yes, yes, yes. The answer is a Rizzo-unding, yes!

The Major League Baseball All-Star break is a fantastic time to sit back and reflect on the players we love… to stare at.

You may have caught my Fake Pigskin debut yesterday.  It was a little piece I wrote about the American League All-Hottie team.  Oh, you did?  Why thank you, darling.  Oh, stop, you’re making me blush.  What’s that, you say?  No, I won’t stop talking to my cat!

The AL may have triumphed in the Midsummer Classic, but the National League is still fighting for bragging rights in the looks and hair department, so on with the show!

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major league baseball

Why so serious?

Catcher – Travis d’Arnaud, New York Mets

Finally given the opportunity to shine as an everyday big league player this year, d’Arnaud is fond of a pensive-bordering-on-angry look for his photo shoots.  Maybe a few more smiles will come with some more experience.

Honorable mentions: Russell Martin, Pittsburgh Pirates; Buster Posey, San Francisco Giants

First Base – Anthony Rizzo, Chicago Cubs

This Italian stallion has captured the hearts (and final All-Star votes) with his adorable curls and home run power.  He should be a mainstay in the heart of the Cubs lineup and Midwestern women’s fantasies for years to come.

Honorable mention: Paul Goldschmidt, Arizona Diamondbacks

Second Base – Anthony Rendon, Washington Nationals

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The theme of the National League infield continues to be youth here.  Fun fact, June 29, 2010 was declared “Anthony Rendon Day” by the Houston mayor.  Quite an auspicious start for a player whose best years are likely still to come.

Honorable mention: Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies

Third Base – David Wright, New York Mets

His nickname, “Captain America”, pretty much says it all.  I would not be surprised to learn he spends the off-season rescuing baby squirrels and reading to underprivileged children in the library.  All of this is just icing on the cake that is his dazzling face.

Shortstop – Adeiny Hechavarria, Miami Marlins

To be completely honest, I almost made another selection here just to lower my odds of an embarrassing misspelling.  Hechavarria is on the growing list of Cuban defectors turned MLB players, but so far this hottie’s biggest claim to fame is being part of the package the Blue Jays sent to Miami during the Marlins’ infamous fire sale.

Honorable mentions: Alexi Amarista, San Diego Padres; Troy Tulowitzki, Colorado Rockies

major league baseball

Curse you, water! You’ve foiled me again.

Outfield – Giancarlo Stanton, Miami Marlins

The National League’s outfielders have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to good-looking players.  It seems like nearly half of them are in this group, making the process of winnowing down to three very difficult.  But there was never any doubt in my mind that Stanton would come out as the cream of the crop.  It wouldn’t be a stretch to say this entire article is an excuse to view this picture.

Michael Morse, San Francisco Giants

Other than the Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch, Morse is the only man on the planet whom I would endorse using the term “beast mode” for.  The eyes, that hair — he’s the whole package.  If the baseball thing doesn’t work out he has a future in toothpaste commercials.

Christian Yelich, Miami Marlins

I feel a little bit icky including Yelich on this list.  I took just one look at him and “jail bait!” alarms sounded off in my head.  But there’s no denying his cuteness.  He is the hot guy you dropped hints to about taking you to prom, but ended up asking one of your friends instead.

Honorable mentions: Justin Upton, Atlanta Braves; Jordan Schafer, Atlanta Braves; Curtis Granderson, New York Mets; Ryan Sweeney, Chicago Cubs; Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers; Corey Dickerson, Colorado Rockies; Matt Kemp, Los Angeles Dodgers; Andre Ethier, Los Angeles Dodgers

major league baseball

What’s cooler than being cool? Ice Cole

Starting Pitchers – Cole Hamels, Philadelphia Phillies

Rumors continue to swirl that Cole’s days in the City of Brotherly Love may be numbered.  We can’t know where Hamels will be pitching in a month, but two things are for certain: 1) he will continue to be an asset atop any rotation, and 2) his looks will help distinguish him no matter which clubhouse he resides in.

Gio Gonzalez, Washington Nationals

Gio is one of the few players who smiles for his photos on a regular basis and manages to do so without looking completely goofy looking.  Much like his role with the Nats, he will never have ace looks, but he is a solid No. 2 starter.

Jake Arrieta, Chicago Cubs

A quick Google image search for Arrieta reveals what may be an unhealthy love for his dog (I think there’s a picture where they are making out), which would normally preclude him from getting the hottie stamp, but fortunately for him the National League is somewhat short on attractive starting pitchers.  Perhaps this is something major league baseball scouts need to be apprised of.

Chase Anderson, Arizona Diamondbacks

He’s hot, and he looks like he knows it.  Anderson bears a strong resemblance to every guy you ever made out with at a college party who never called you back.  What’s that you say?  That’s just me?  Well, this is awkward…

major league baseball

Huston, we’ve got no problem here!

Cory Luebke, San Diego Padres

Who is Cory Luebke?  I don’t blame you for asking. Easily the greatest reach on this list, Luebke counts as a major league starter by only the widest of definitions.  While he has spent much more time on the disabled list than actually pitching, there is no denying his attractiveness.  My advice to him would be to rack up as many endorsement deals as possible before retiring and coaching Little League.

Closer – Huston Street, San Diego Padres

I really enjoy this picture.  It is so deep and artsy.  In addition, it taught me that Street once played for the A’s.  Who knew?  A solid, All-American looking man, Street would seem right at home wearing an apron and grilling up brats at your neighborhood barbecue.


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