Barbecues, out of style clothes, male pattern baldness. And on that note, here’s how to win your fantasy football league simply by being a dad. Let the dad jokes run free, embrace them, be them.
- Save time: Always keep your cell phone in the holster on your belt, why waste precious moments of your day by getting it out of your pocket? Don’t try and negotiate trades through your league website by simply trading counter-offers. Use what technology has given us, the comments or email.
- Know what’s yours: Your grill is your sacred domain, dad in training, and anyone who gives tips or thoughts on your barbecuing ability must be exiled and shunned. If you have your guy in fantasy football that you just know is going to breakout, go get him! No one ever won by taking the draft sites best available player. Get your guy!
- Classic never failed: No matter the time of year, the situation or company, a dads outfit is a polo tucked into jeans, so don’t mess with success, Dad. Everyone is itching to pick those new rookies in the third and fourth round of your drafts. But you’re smarter than that, Dad, while those guys are going for the low cut V-necks and Amari Cooper’s early, you’re sitting back in your Old Navy golf shirt and snagging DeAndre Hopkins.
- Come prepared: Just as you would bring your own putter to a round of putt-putt with the family bring your own cheat sheet to your draft. How else are you draining it over the windmill and through the clowns mouth? Duh.
- Put the kids in their place: You got a six year old learning to play basketball? Don’t forget a lesson in dominance, swat that kid’s weak attempt at a jump shot right back into his face. The hell’s he thinking coming in your house? These kids and their new online scoring and draft systems are fancy but you came into to put in work, it doesn’t matter to you if its box scores in the Monday paper, ‘cuz you just came to play. Now tell that poor sucker to throw a bag of frozen peas on the shiner you just handed down.
- Know the details: A dad always knows the weather report, and how they do it, nobody knows. No one even has to mention the fact that it might rain and Dad’s already spewing shit about high pressure systems and lake effect storm clouds. In fantasy football be the weather expert dad, don’t be the guy who shows up and drafts Arian Foster in the first round.
- Intimidate your opponents: A true dad is a cold blooded killer with no mercy, he must kill the spider in his six year old daughters room at all costs. But he then proceeds to chase her around the house with the dead spider in the crumpled up napkin. Do the same with your opponents. Show no mercy, trash talk them to death.
- Go value shopping: Remember kids, I don’t care that you’re 17 and 19, kids under 12 eat free at this restaurant. So how was your first day of middle school? Two for one deal at the hardware store? You’re taking that backup weed whacker every day of the week. Who cares that you’re kids are now in college? Family movie night is an animated Disney movie from the Walmart discount bin. Get those late round values folks, your Nelson Agholor’s, Stevie Johnson’s and everyone on this list.
- Take no prisoners: Look, I get that you love your kids Dad, but in all seriousness a man’s gotta take care of himself first. So when your four year old comes up to bat in whiffle ball throw that knuckle slurve with no remorse. Same goes for fantasy, so when your league-mate takes Kelvin Benjamin in the third round because he’s totally out of the loop, it’s time to rip him apart. Change your team name to Kelvin’s Knee, text him every bit of football news ever created, set Rotoworld as his homepage of his computer, just do whatever it takes to humiliate the guy.
So here we are Dad, at the end of our advice column with the season fast approaching. Take these tips and use them as you will to be the all-time champion in your fantasy league just like you’re all time QB in street football. Good luck Dad!