DraftKings NFL: Week 14 Declarations

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There’s only four DraftKings NFL weeks left to paint my DFS masterpiece, and take down the one million dollar top prize to start living out my dream of quitting my job to do nothing in my 30s. Honestly, it’s going too fast. It seems like just yesterday we were legitimately discussing Alex Smith’s MVP candidacy, Louis C.K. going to dinner wasn’t shocking, U of M football was thought of as a top ten team after another electric September championship, and yours truly was making his FakePigskin NFL debut doling out some awesomely shitty week 3 DraftKings advice. And, even worse than my DK suggestions that week, I convinced myself Matthew Stafford and the Detroit Lions were finally for real after their 2-0 start.

I should know better by now...

I still haven’t forgiven myself…

Before long, I’ll be hibernating away in my fat pants left with nothing but NBA DFS, and clinging to false hopes of the Detroit Piston’s ceiling this season grinding my way to the true first day of spring. Hopefully, I can just win the million dollars so I can avoid all this winter weather, and become one of those people that uses the word summer as a verb. Here’s a preview of what would likely be my general behavior when resigning Monday morning after winning this Sunday’s top prize…

Week 13 Recap

Kind of like middle aged white men suddenly switching hair styles, the foundation of a Vikings stack didn’t exactly play out as I was hoping. Once I knew Minnesota was a bust, and I missed out on all the Kansas City fun it was clear cashing in any GPPs was a long shot. What Alex Smith and the Chiefs did in week 13 serves as a great reminder about slumping offenses with a proven track record of putting up huge days–it’s just a matter of time. It’s unfortunate too because the suggestions I paired Keenum and friends with mostly paid off including Beast Mode, and this week’s PPR darling everyone should be scrambling for–Trent Taylor. Speaking of which, congrats to all the 49er position players who crawled through weeks of shit smelling quarterback foulness I can’t even imagine. Or, maybe I just don’t want to…

Jimmy!!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy!!!!!!!!!!!

Projected Jimmy G to Trent Taylor Lineup

As the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE began transitioning to a passing league around 2000, so began the emergence of the next great fantasy weapon–the undersized white slot receiver. Ricky Proehl showcased as the Godfather in his time with the Greatest Show On Turf. Naturally, his descendants’ powers evolved to even greater heights thanks to Hall of Fame quarterback play in Indianapolis producing the likes of Brandon “Slot Machine” Stokley, Austin Collie, and Blair White over the course of a decade. Meanwhile, in Foxborough, Massachusetts the Micheal Corleone of the bloodline came to life by the Belichick/Brady acquisition of Wes Welker in 2007. Since Welker, the small white, slot exclusive throne hasn’t had a worthy king. That is, until Jimmy G was introduced to all 5’8″ of rookie Trent Taylor’s whiteness last Sunday connecting with the Louisiana Tech product on all six of his targets including a 33 yarder on 3rd and 9 that set up the game winning field goal. When my future grandsons ask me if it’s possible that they could play wide receiver in the NFL in spite of their short white genetics, I’ll tell them tales of Ricky, Brandon, and Wes. I’ll tell them of the week when Jimmy and Trent connected for their first two scores setting up a decade of the next great 49er quarterback-receiver connection, and Taylor officially laying claim as the rightful heir to be the new King of the miniature white slot receivers. And, I’ll tell them how it was the key to me becoming a millionaire on December 10, 2017. And, that gambling does payoff.

Position Player Salary
QB Jimmy Garoppolo  $      5,500
RB Kareem Hunt  $      6,500
RB LeSean McCoy  $      7,200
WR Mike Evans  $      6,900
WR Adam Thielen  $      7,200
WR Trent Taylor  $      3,300
TE Ricky Seals-Jones  $      3,400
FLEX Alshon Jeffery/Evan Engram/Sterling Shepard  $      6,300/6,000/5,300
DST Chargers  $      3,600

Projected Jimmy G Stacks Lineup

Another piece of advice I will pass along to my offspring is when you whiff on studs the prior week, make sure to run them back out there the next. I slurped all over Adam Thielen and Mike Evans last week where both pretty much came up empty failing to accumulate double digit fantasy points. The ascension of Thielen has been crucial to Minnesota’s current eight game tear, and Case Keenum’s sustained high level quarterback play. The last two times the Minnesota native had relatively quiet weeks in this stretch, he bounced back nicely with a nine catch effort in week six against Green Bay, then dropped a 5-98-1 line in week eight on the hapless Browns. Facing off against an average Panther’s secondary that was got by Saints top wideout Michael Thomas last week, I like Thielen to respond this week where he should have a high floor as the sixth most targeted player in the league this season.

Another defense that is routinely getting got just out did even themselves last week by having nine men on the field during a critical second half third down. The Lions have now transitioned from a bend-don’t-break defensive philosophy to a broke-and-get-fucked approach the last four weeks letting the Browns, Bears, Vikings, and Ravens sex them up any way they wanted. Coming off a game in which he had his second lowest output this season, Mike Evans is in a prime spot to turn in a performance for the ages against this motley crew. Don’t hesitate to throw any Buc out there in one of your 46 lineups Sunday cause Jameis and the fellas gonna eat Sunday.

Position Player Salary
QB Jimmy Garoppolo  $      5,500
RB Kareem Hunt  $      6,500
RB Carlos Hyde  $      6,000
WR Mike Evans  $      6,900
WR Adam Thielen  $      7,200
WR Josh Gordon  $      5,500
TE Ricky Seals-Jones  $      3,400
FLEX Sterling Shepard/Marquise Goodwin  $      5,300/5,100
DST Chargers  $      3,600
A true mastermind at work contemplating his next strategic maneuver...

A true mastermind at work contemplating his next strategic maneuver…

Week 14 Picks

3-2 last week to make it seven consecutive winning weeks. 45-23-2 for the season.

49ers +3: My unbounded man love for Jimmy G would have me take the Niners laying a touchdown. I don’t know what I’m more uncomfortable watching–games like Monday night’s MMA match between the Steelers and Bengals, or the level of quarterback play across this league week to week. We’re all better off having Jimmy around.

Chargers -6: Here’s the seven teams I believe have a legit shot to get to the Super Bowl in order: Pats, Vikings, Rams, Steelers, Eagles, Saints, and Chargers. I’m not really sure how much separation exists from the Patriots to the Chargers. What I am sure of is the gap between any one of those teams against Washington is at least the size of Phillip River’s litter. Bolts by double digits.

Rams -2.5: I don’t know why, but I can’t get enough “Philip Rivers has a lot of kids” jokes. I mean, anyone that goes beyond three is a little insane, right? Or, a bit careless when passions are running high. Either way, I’ll continue to ride the red hot Rams for the third consecutive week in what should be a great game featuring the top two picks from last year’s draft when they host Philly Sunday afternoon. And, I’m still upset with Eagles for betraying me when I trusted them last Sunday night.

Vikings -2.5: I have great trust and stirring passion for teams that don’t allow a touchdown on the road in what looked like a potential let down game for a team having won seven straight coming into Atlanta last week. Maybe it’s time to accept it. The let down isn’t coming. Vikings roll up Carolina Sunday, and go on to win out the regular season finishing 14-2 as the NFC’s top seed.

Buccaneers Pk: The Lions have unraveled on the field. Stafford is being held together by duct tape. The already dog shit offensive line is really banged up. They have no running game. I already gave my analysis of the defense. And, off the field, they’re starting to turn on each other. Bucs by a million! If Stafford can’t play–Bucs by infinity!

Good Luck in week 14! Don’t forget to comment, share, and follow me on twitter @realBobbyAdcock.

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